I’ve been thrashing in my sleep.
I don’t remember doing it, but I wake up mid-punch sometimes.
I’ve smacked my head against a wall.
The blankets once so neatly tucked and cozy lay lifeless on the floor.
My body sprawls diagonally across the roomy full sized mattress.
I wake up confused. I wake up tired.
My phone rings. Hello tumbles out of my mouth before I’m fully conscious.
I slept through my alarm.
I don’t recall waking up to turn it off at all.
I woke up around 6am with a twitchy body and racing thoughts.
My mental fortitude doesn’t stand a chance when my entire being is screaming for rest.
I gave in to the medicine I’ve been prescribed.
I am authorized to take 0.5 mg 2-3 times per day for anxiety (as needed).
But what about when 1 tablet does nothing to calm my twitching feet.
2 tablets doesn’t stop the thoughts whizzing by.
What if as needed is all the time?
Can I set up a constant dosage that courses through my veins and keeps the highs and lows from being so jarring?
At this rate I’m going to develop a benzo habit. This is probably worse than the symptoms that my meds were intentionally supposed to treat.
I’m aware of it so I titrate myself accordingly. But sometimes it feels that the amount prescribed won’t even scratch the surface.
I dozed off at some point.
Ringing and buzzing and flashes of light disarm me.
It’s 10:30, my appointment is at 11.
The phone call was to move back my appointment, thankfully, to this afternoon.
Between 6am and 10:30am, all I remember is taking meds to calm down my twitching body.
I don’t remember falling asleep.
I don’t remember thrashing about; the resulting blankets strewn across the floor seem like a bad omen.
I don’t remember turning off the alarm.
I’m awake now. Sup.