Frazzled Snoozing

I’ve been thrashing in my sleep.

I don’t remember doing it, but I wake up mid-punch sometimes.

I’ve smacked my head against a wall.

The blankets once so neatly tucked and cozy lay lifeless on the floor.

My body sprawls diagonally across the roomy full sized mattress.

I wake up confused.  I wake up tired.

My phone rings.  Hello tumbles out of my mouth before I’m fully conscious.

I slept through my alarm.

I don’t recall waking up to turn it off at all.

I woke up around 6am with a twitchy body and racing thoughts.

My mental fortitude doesn’t stand a chance when my entire being is screaming for rest.

I gave in to the medicine I’ve been prescribed.

I am authorized to take 0.5 mg 2-3 times per day for anxiety (as needed).

But what about when 1 tablet does nothing to calm my twitching feet.

2 tablets doesn’t stop the thoughts whizzing by.

What if as needed is all the time?

Can I set up a constant dosage that courses through my veins and keeps the highs and lows from being so jarring?

At this rate I’m going to develop a benzo habit.  This is probably worse than the symptoms that my meds were intentionally supposed to treat.

I’m aware of it so I titrate myself accordingly.  But sometimes it feels that the amount prescribed won’t even scratch the surface.

I dozed off at some point.

Ringing and buzzing and flashes of light disarm me.

It’s 10:30, my appointment is at 11.

The phone call was to move back my appointment, thankfully, to this afternoon.

Between 6am and 10:30am, all I remember is taking meds to calm down my twitching body.

I don’t remember falling asleep.

I don’t remember thrashing about; the resulting blankets strewn across the floor seem like a bad omen.

I don’t remember turning off the alarm.

I’m awake now.  Sup.






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