Today was intended to be relaxing. No commitments to speak of, no boss, no actual threat of impending doom.
So, with that said… Sleep didn’t come peacefully even with the best intentions. I resorted to taking a Xanax to fall asleep. The taste is awful when it hits your tongue and it just resonates through your whole body with a shudder. Water doesn’t rid the taste if it happens to ever-so-slightly dissolve.
I don’t remember if I even fell asleep. My memory, once impressive, is now hilariously lacking. I don’t recall if I slept well, I just remember not being able to fall asleep in the first place. I find myself setting alarms on my phone for simple things like “stir noodles in 5 minutes.” Every day runs into the last.
I stayed up until about 5am reading a manga (my first!) and trying to quiet my incessant thoughts.
My whole body wanted to fall asleep, but my feet needed to move and my fingers needed to flex and relax repeatedly. It’s hard to describe the intensity of the fatigue that hits and the inability to satisfy it.
So I woke up at around 12:30pm. 7 hours, not bad! I think I woke up a few times, I may have gotten out of bed. I do that almost every night so last night was likely no different.
At 12:36 I took a 20mg Prozac pill. I was taking them in the evenings when I was working nights and I wasn’t motivated to change it to the morning since time right now is pretty fucking arbitrary.
I’ve been taking 40mg at night (anywhere between 7-9pm) and it has a long half life. I’m not a chemist or a doctor but I can figure out how to taper my meds without much help. I also have internet. Oh glorious and wonderous internet. It’s easy to get sucked into forums, but it’s useful for me to be able to search things like “Prozac withdrawal” and read a few anecdotes to know I’m not losing it and slightly reinforce my depleted ego.
12:37pm. After a few times opening and closing the door and not stepping out, I did it. I almost left my phone at home on purpose to minimize distractions but I brought it as a comfort item. I brought a pen, a pencil, a journal, a book, and a phone. That’s enough for a quick jaunt outside, right?
12:40pm. Walking walking walking over to the local giant patch of beautifully maintained grass. Knees cracked, muscles that have been dormant were awakened. Tired and sore all over, I continued walking and breathing deeply. I clutched my phone and my other precious items that keep me grounded.
12:46pm. I walked to the middle of the field and sat down in the grass. I took off my hoodie and spread out my belongings. I was sweating much more than was appropriate for a 10 minute walk.
12:48pm. Still sweating. Breathing deeply. Lots of buzzy bugs everywhere, but there is some respite in the cool breeze. I read a little, I doodled.
I was overwhelmingly warm so I decided to lay back in the grass and cover my eyes with the arm of my hoodie. My lids shut and I diffused my energy into the nature rug covering the hunk of earth I was lying on.
I felt that I was disrupting micro ecosystems as I followed the minuscule bugs’ journeys across my page. I moved to a shady bench. I sat there reading until 1:42pm and I headed back to the humble abode I reside in (but only for a few more days.) This apartment has been a great place to spend my time the past couple of months. Lots of cats and love.
Around 2:00pm, I started my usual straightening up of the apartment. Nothing major, just shuffling around things that are already pretty well-organized.
I ate some leftover noodles and peas. Pretty basic stuff, but I felt immediately nauseous and light-headed. I sat down and drank water.
I sat some more. I breathed. I paced. It felt like an eternity had passed in the matter of moments.
I took a Xanax. It could be a sugar pill, I don’t know if it actually does anything. But I’ve been trying to be in tune with my body and my body wanted to spiral into an ugly place. I calmed down by reading until 3:40pm. Mt stomach hurt and I was exhausted. I decided to lay down for a nap.
I woke up at 7:00pm with wonky pupils. This is a fun side effect that I haven’t had since I was first prescribed meds. It looks like this: O.o
I then browsed some internets, mostly Humans of New York because it has a good mix of positive and negative and is generally uplifting.
It’s now 10:00pm and I’m writing about my day to the world. Brevity was never my strongsuit.
It’s time to heat up some dinner. Most likely the leftover noodles from a “use up all the ingredients in the cupboard”-esque meal I made yesterday in my quest to cook semi-decent food that is reasonably priced and not artery clogging. I ended up with a lasagna casserole-type dish that I subbed peas for ground beef and added some velveeta to because whatever, processed cheese food gives a really nice body to a sauce that came in the form of a powder in a pouch out of a Weis-brand boxed dinner kit…
Today’s rating: sunny with a chance of meatballs