Uncertainty

I’ve got a diagnosis confirmed by 3 separate doctors, however, what if they’re just confirming it because of how I describe everything?

 

Mental health diagnoses are just based on the words that come out of your mouth.  There are guided questions.  If you have an internet connection, you can diagnose yourself with anything.  With that information, you can get the drugs you think you need.

 

There’s no blood test, there’s no measurable symptoms.  Just “sometimes I feel sad.”  “Sometimes I’m unmotivated.”  “Sometimes I think dying would be fine with me because I could finally sleep.”

 

I quit grad school and went to a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression.  Benzos and SSRI’s were prescribed.  At the same time, I went to therapy for an eating disorder.  The ED was symptomatic of other things, but it felt alright to at least be poking one of my dragons with a toothpick.

 

Pharmaceutical drugs and recreational drugs were used over the next 10 months.  Both were steadily increased.  When I had a “bad reaction,” I was told I was bipolar and that my current meds needed to be stopped cold turkey.  Hallucinating on my bathroom floor for 2 weeks and then ending up in the hospital thinking my brain was bleeding was the result of that.  I was diagnosed as bipolar and told I needed some mind numbing medications.  I said fuck that and continued my life without sgarting a new medication.

 

6 months later, I ended up back in PA after a whirlwind adventure in Seattle.  I went to a doctor there because I didn’t think I could physically work without jumping in front of a bus.  Everything felt bad and the pressure was on to get back on my feet.  I again was diagnosed as bipolar, but I also knew the symptoms and knew I just wanted to be medicated.  A different medication regimen was started.  The meds made me tired.  I wasn’t motivated to get a job, but I was motivated to get out of the house I was living in because it was not a good environment for me.

 

That doctor stopped prescribing me medicine when I moved so I went through withdrawal of both medications.  During withdrawal, I scheduled an appointment with a new local doctor.  Third diagnosis with bipolar, but the symptoms of withdrawal can mimic a million things.

 

My meds make me feel dull and beige.  I can never trust what I’m feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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